Monday, May 10, 2004

Van Helsing is the WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!

No, I'm not kidding! Now, I have to lay out some things first - I am pretty good at avoiding bad movies, I can usually tell (there is no reason to se Gigli), I usually follow my movie instinct(sp.) and it works out. Evidently my instinct was on vacation! Also, I have to say what the previous worst movie was -- 'Car 54 where are you?' That was complete trash that I should have never seen. Same with Van Helsing. Now on to the trashing!

What was Wolverine thinking! Hugh Jackman must of been paid a shitload to agree to be in this movie, wait! I can't call this piece of trash a movie - how about calling it 'the thing that stole 2 1/2 hours of my life that I can't have back!' Jackman's character was weak imitation of wolverine - memory problems, snide remarks, soft side. But done so badly it was almost funny. This movie is full of totally unintentional laughs, the people in the theater were laughing at the degree of crappiness that this movie achieved.

OK, usually action movies have very little plot, but this movie didn't even have story structure, they just did scenes, or dialog for no reason. A chase scene just thrown into the middle of the movie. Characters that would scream or leave for no reason. One sequence of dialog between jackman and Beckinsale was just pitiful. First jackman says they need to kill Beckinsale's brother, then Beckinsale says no, they can save him. Then 2 minutes later! Beckinsale says they can't help her brother, then their trying to save him, then they just forgot about him. Uhgggh!

This movie was just thrown together from bits and pieces of every horror movie(which are usually bad to begin with) with no new ideas. Every character is a clichÈ, and a horribly done cliché, with no redeeming value. The reason this movie is the worst I've seen is because they didn't even try! Didn't try to make fun of them selves. Didn't try to bring anything new to the table. Didn't try to keep the story flow and make sense. Didn't try to make even slightly real or deep characters. Didn't try to do anything but throw some crap dialog and story together hoping the special effects would carry the movie. AND THEY DON'T. This movie is a complete and udder failure and waste of anyone's time! DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!